Deadpan Guy – Cult Leader or Visionary?
Nameless Australian Cult Leader Exposed
A nameless leader, known to his unquestioningly faithful followers as ‘The Deadpan Guy’, is said to have inspired a cult following for his majestic, charismatic and entirely expressionless stare. Legend has it he was so magnetic that one look into those calm ocean blue eyes inspired people to leave their jobs and families to spend every waking minute around him, mainly at the inner city eateries where Deadpan Guy spends his time. News outlets everywhere have sought to uncover this story, wondering how one man could possibly lead people to desire something as extreme as inner peace, and the nature of the event that changed his followers’ perception of him forever.
Luckily, we have the inside scoop. Fruitarian, tie-dye T-Shirt wearing, vinyl enthusiast Scotty from the Northern Beaches bravely shares his experience exclusively with us, showing how any regular, pragmatic person can find themselves entirely enchanted by the mysterious Deadpan Guy.
Interviewer: Tell us Scotty, how does an everyday normal guy, like yourself, get caught up in something like this?
Scotty: Look man, I gotta say I never thought it would be me, you know. My desire to follow Deadpan Guy took me by surprise. My friend was all like bro you gotta come meet this dude he’s great.
When I met Deadpan Guy and looked at that hypnotic, motionless face, I could tell he was legit, nothing like the cult leaders I had met at music festivals or in wholefood stores. He didn’t hug trees, he was the tree and I desperately wanted to cling to him. Like, he was literally as still as a tree. It was crazy a bird even crapped on him and he didn’t even flinch. Birds actually sat on him thinking he was a tree. He was so infinitely relaxed and all zen, it was almost as though he wasn’t even aware we were with him. I had always been searching for answers, you know, like all that meaning of life stuff, how long should I grow my beard? How much should I move the muscles in my face? You know, all those questions had just been eating away at me and Deadpan Guy had all these answers.
Interviewer: But I was of the understanding that the notorious Deadpan Guy didn’t speak that much?
Scotty: He spoke with his eyes! Like, seriously crazy stuff. Whenever I saw him I knew I had come home, he was a stable force in my chaotic life. Even when I wasn’t near him I knew he was always with me, I could feel his lustrous beard from miles away, its woolly warmth calling me. He was pure ecstasy. The entire universe could be found in that face. Meeting him was the one of the most beautiful moments of my life, as though with one vacant stare he had ripped open my skin and slid into my soul…. you know what I mean dude? Like, I had always known deep down that having an expressionless face was the meaning of life, but like I for reals knew it was true now.
Interviewer: And what was Deadpan Guy’s response when you expressed these feelings?
Scotty: Well nothing of course, but everyone else nodded knowingly, they had been touched by him as I had. When I told him my deep feelings for him, Deadpan Guy was eating a wagyu-beef burger in the most majestic and zen-like way possible! Us followers were just standing there like woah!! Seriously watching him eat was legit some super intense spiritual stuff. He just destroyed that burger so effortless, with like zero expression. I took the napkins he used that day, you know to like frame and hang on the wall back at my pad. He was so charismatic… like just the way he ignored us all the time was so comforting man.
Interviewer: Was there anything about Deadpan Guy to suggest that he actually wanted followers?
Scotty: Well of course he did! His expressionless face said it all.
Interviewer: And when did you realize that Deadpan Guy was more than you thought he was? Tell us, Scotty, what happened that day?
At this point Scotty asks to terminate the interview. He needs a nap as he is exhausted after attending what he describes as a “super intense crystal sesh” with an inspiring new spiritual advisor he had just met earlier that day.
Luckily, we also managed to get in touch with another faithful follower. Born Penelope, she has since changed her name to ‘Saphire,’ a name inspired by Deadpan Guy’s tranquil blue eyes and his infamous blue button up. Sapphire was originally from Mosman, but decided to move to Glebe in order to be closer to Deadpan Guy. She has since made many other drastic life changes including selling her four-wheel drive, giving up her yoga pants as well as her job as a surgeon in order to pursue her passion for astrology.
Interviewer: So Sapphire, what was the moment when you realized that you needed to make a change?
Sapphire: After meeting Deadpan Guy I realised that every decision I had made up until that point had been wrong! I had spent my whole life distracted by meaningless things, wasting endless hours in traffic, performing open-heart surgery, at the Golf Club and Pilates. I was literally running on stress, soy chai lattes and wheat grass shots. My life was pure noise and chaos. My first experience with Deadpan Guy left me in an ecstatic state; it was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Wave upon wave of pent up emotional energy poured out of me, and then complete silence. He was my anchor in a chaotic, busy world. When I looked at him I just saw…. well, like absolutely nothing…. It was so inspiring! His genius was beyond that of any yoga instructor, careers coach, psychic healer or interior decorator I had hired in the past. He was… superhuman! He was such a master of Zen that he spent his days doing absolutely nothing.
Interviewer: And, Sapphire, could you please tell us about that fateful day, the day when everything changed?
At this point, Sapphire’s chestnut eyes begin to well-up with tears of joy. She inhales deeply and sweeps aside her blue hair, dyed in honor of Deadpan Guy’s eyes, revealing a tattoo of his face on her shoulder.
Sapphire: It was really quite something! We had spent all our time thinking that being like Deadpan Guy meant… well being deadpan. That day changed everything. We had all come to a bookstore café in Surry Hills in order to soak up his light.
Suddenly, he pulled out a sachet filled with a powder. It was a drink called REIZE. He poured the powder into water and drank it. And then the most bizarre and unexpected yet exquisitely beautiful thing happened! He made a facial expression and uttered the phrase “most flavour some.” At first I was unsure how to react, it must have been a deeply moving experience for him, but then I realised Deadpan Guy was trying to show us something. He was trying to tell us that even he, as the guru and master of inner peace, expressed emotion. He wanted us to know that, although it might seem unconventional, being in the moment and enjoying every moment was a good idea! It was such an original discovery, yet it seemed so obvious, why had no one thought of it sooner?!
It seems that Deadpan Guy is helping his followers to discover for themselves that the goal is not to be completely deadpan and devoid of emotion, but rather to enjoy every moment in life and express their feelings freely.
And so thanks to Scotty and Sapphire, the mystery of the Deadpan Guy and what really went on inside the cult has finally been revealed. It seems that unlike planking and the harlem shake, Deadpan Guy is more than just a fad. He is a way of life, a spiritual leader if you will, and his following is only on the rise. It seems that in the five seconds it took for Deadpan Guy to down that drink he was elevated from guru to deity.